As soon as upon a time, there have been bikes like this:
They have been nice for brisk using on paved surfaces, and for hanging out by the tennis court docket in your brief shorts:
However they weren’t so nice for using on rugged trails, and so subsequent got here bikes like this:
They have been a bit of extra versatile and a bit simpler to experience, plus they didn’t include the Euro associations that are inclined to make Individuals uncomfortable, and they also bought like hotcakes. (Although when was the final time to procure a hotcake?)
As a result of they have been so fashionable, designers began to “enhance” them:
(In case you’re questioning why all these bikes are Treks, I don’t imply to single them out, they’re only a good consultant American bicycle model and all their outdated catalogs are additionally conveniently accessible on this web site.)
And finally each the bicycles in addition to the way by which they have been meant to be ridden bore little to no resemblance to biking in any respect:
So alongside got here a “new” sort of bike:
Regardless that it wasn’t “new” in any respect:
However, individuals beloved these new-but-not-new bikes, as a result of they have been quick and environment friendly like the primary sort of bike, but in addition easy and good for using on rugged trails just like the second sort of bike was earlier than they determined rugged trails weren’t ok and that riders ought to aspire to this for some purpose:
The entire level of a motorcycle is you experience it on the bottom. As Ernesto Hemingway stated, or wrote, or no matter he did, “It’s by using a bicycle that you simply be taught the contours of a rustic finest, since you must sweat up the hills and coast down them.” Contours of the land certainly! Is just not the sensation of your tires upon the earth proper up there with digging your naked toes into the cool grass or diving right into a mountain stream? Aren’t watermelon-fuckers just like the bro above not a lot daredevil cyclists as would-be pilots who’re both to cowardly or too lazy to learn to fly?
Okay, admittedly I’ve by no means dived right into a mountain stream, and it’s in all probability a nasty concept except you’ve decided it’s sufficiently deep–that’s deep, not shallow:
Sure, the AI is making an attempt to kill you.
Anyway, given the chic pleasure of caressing the contours of the land together with your overpriced supple tires, what is that this obsession amongst sure individuals with getting the bike off the bottom and orienting it in any route apart from that for which it was designed to be ridden? It’s like shopping for a pop-up toaster, mounting it on the wall, and taking pictures the toast into your face.
Care to take a shot at that one, AI?
[The AI’s take on “Wall-Mounted Toaster Shooting Toast Into Someone’s Face”]
Simply while you suppose AI’s getting shut it comes up with one thing so abjectly horrifying it can terrorize your desires for months to come back.
All of that is to say that the bike trade had a great factor going with these not-new bikes, and for awhile it appeared like everybody’s priorities had sort of aligned, and so naturally they’ve obtained to fuck all of it up once more by placing extra bouncy crap on them:
And by golly are they determined to wreck these bikes–so determined they’re not solely creating an issue that doesn’t exist:
[If riding beyond the pavement is a “problem” for you, maybe STAY ON THE FUCKING PAVEMENT.]
However they’re making an attempt to pry your outdated fork proper out from underneath you:
If I have been the cynical sort I’d virtually imagine this was an enormous conspiracy on the a part of Cane Creek to hoard all of the first rate forks earlier than the Gravel Apocalyspe and depart everybody else caught with a thousand greenback downgrade:
Bear in mind: at this time’s cutting-edge must-have suspension fork know-how is tomorrow’s…this factor:
Isn’t it astounding that regardless of all these “enhancements” bicycle gross sales are apparently plummeting?
Although they don’t look like “plummeting” a lot as going again to regular:
And whereas I don’t know of what the bicycle market was like a century in the past, I do know that even longer in the past than that Matisse couldn’t purchase a Van Gogh portrait as a result of his brother had already blown a bunch of cash on a motorcycle:
Right here’s what occurred:
Right this moment after all that Van Gogh can be priceless, however clearly Matisse’s brother was a proto-Fred who couldn’t resist the attract of FKTs and proto-Lachlan Morton-esque glory:
If this have been occurring within the fashionable period, Matisse would have requested his brother to lend him a grand to purchase some bitcoin again in 2016, solely to be informed he didn’t have the cash as a result of he simply spent $1,999.99 on an inverted gravel fork.
Ah sure, who amongst us doesn’t remorse the chance price of previous bicycle purchases? I purchased Ksyriums after they first got here out in 1999 or each time it was:
I recall them being one thing like $700, which was big amount of cash for wheels on the time. Alas, they’re now lengthy gone, but when solely I’d purchased Amazon inventory as an alternative I’d be sitting on like a 6,000% return at this time.
Oh, who am I kidding, as quickly because the Amazon inventory began going up I’d have bought it and acquired some new shifters as a result of that they had one (1) extra gear.
Talking of our brilliant future…
The rider has not been charged:
Apparently the sufferer was getting out of a double-parked automotive when a meals supply rider ran a lightweight:
Getting out of a double-parked automotive and getting walloped by a supply man operating a cease signal on an e-bike is the beautiful a lot probably the most New York Metropolis 2025 demise possible.
